Things Every 20 Year-Old Should Know By Now

  1. The world doesn’t owe you a single goddamn thing.
  2. If this makes you sad, please know that you don’t owe the world a single goddamn thing, either.
  3. If you’re rude to waitstaff, everybody on earth hates you.
  4. There is no such thing as a “guilty pleasure.” You should feel not a single ounce of shame when you roll down the windows of your crappy Civic and flail around to “I Knew You Were Trouble”, “It’s All Coming Back to Me Now”, or “The 1812 Overture”. (See point 2 if you feel weird about letting people know your True Nature in regards to anything.)
  5. How about learning the subtle yet powerful art of Wielding an Apostrophe? Look, I know language is an ever-changing beast; for god’s sake, they amended the definition of “literally” to include the phrase “something that is not literally true, but used for emphasis”. This is an unescapable fact that plenty of scrupulous tweed-wearing folk should take into consideration. However, just because “tl;dr” is an acceptable form of communication in our society doesn’t mean that it’s defensible to pluralize nouns with an apostrophe, or still somehow not understand the difference between “its” and “it’s”, “your” and “you’re”, or “then” and “than”. If you were handed a high school diploma (or a degree in literally anything) with any sort of aplomb, then there is absolutely no reason for you to contribute to the torrent of abuse faced daily by this hapless piece of punctuation.
  6. Morning people exist. We do not need to hear yet another iteration of “# a.m.? I didn’t even know they had one of those in the morning!”
  7. Alone is not the same as being lonely. It’s okay to go see a movie in theatres alone. It’s totally legit if you want to go to the beach and read on your own private scrap of sand without worrying if your friends can see your back fat. It’s not creepy to go to a restaurant by yourself and eat a huge bowl of curry and pretend to read a YA paranormal romance but secretly people-watch.
  8. Thou shalt not suffer a butt-faced miscreant to live. Like, obviously don’t kill them or anything, but don’t tolerate any bullshit in your life from anyone. Odious people should be removed from the Island of You and fed to sharks and/or Davy Jones.
  9. In the immortal words of Kayne: “Just shut the fuck up sometimes.”
  10. You are young. So. Goddamn. Young. In the grand scheme of life, you have passed “Go”, but you have not yet collected $200. But that doesn’t for a second mean that your opinions, thoughts, ideas, slam poetry, politically-charged Youtube rap videos, or meandering Twitter feed is any less valid or important than anyone else’s. You are young, you are important, and you are pretty fucking great.
  11. Eat your vegetables.
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